"His life-line, very short"

That Mitchell and Webb Look - Homeopathic A&E Sketch Transcript

INT. Hospital - Day

A doctor called Simon (Robert Webb) enters with a nurse, they are pushing a trolley on which is lying a badly injured patient.

Simon
What have we got?
Nurse
RTA. Broken arm, suspected internal injuries, severe contusions to the head.
Simon
Then we need to move fast, prep me a solution of Arnica montana, stat.
Nurse
Strength?
Simon
One part in a million.
Nurse
Are you sure? It looks serious.
Simon
You're right, we need to strengthen the dose. One part in ten million.
Nurse
On it doctor.

A consultant (David Mitchell) arrives.

Consultant
Hear you've got a tricky one.
Simon

(to consultant)

Nothing we can't handle.

(shouts to nurse)

Get me some wolf's bane, also known as monk's hood, in here! And a whole tray of flower remedies!
Consultant

(waving his hands over the patient)

Woah, his chakras are fading. He'll need some crystals.
Simon
Nurse, fetch me some purple-tinted quartz.

The consultant looks at him skeptically.

Simon
Damnit, you're right, make that aquamarine quartz.
Consultant
Good call.
Simon
Okay, he's stabilising. Now, does anybody know what sort of car hit him?
Nurse
Blue Ford Mondeo apparently.
Simon
Right, get me a bit of Blue Ford Mondeo, put it in water, shake it, dilute it, shake it again, dilute it again, do some more shaking, dilute it some more, then put three drops on his tongue. If that doesn't cure him, I don't know what will.
Consultant
You should have a look at this Simon.
Simon
What is it?

The consultant is examining the patient's palm.

Consultant
I don't think this poor chap's got long to live.
Simon
Why not?
Consultant
His life-line, very short.

He picks up and scans a newspaper.

Consultant (cont'd)
And his horoscope's not too clever either. "Sagittarius, brace yourself for a surprise, things are about to change for you."
Simon
Certainly are, unless... Wait!
Consultant
What?
Simon
We could try drawing a bit more life-line on with biro.
Consultant
It'll never work!
Simon
You got a better idea? Let's see what happens.

Simon draws on the patient's hand with his pen, who suddenly moans in pain then slumps back dead.

Simon
Damnit. Time of death, Three thirty four...

He looks across at the clock, which is a triangular-shaped new-age one.

Simon (cont'd)
-ish.

Int. Bar - Evening

Simon is sitting at the bar, looking unhappy. The consultant approaches him.

Consultant
Tough day, eh?
Simon
I just can't stand losing them.
Consultant
It happens.
Simon
I don't know, sometimes I think a trace solution of deadly nightshade, or a statistically neglible quantity of arsenic, just isn't enough.
Consultant
That's crazy talk Simon. Okay, so you kill the odd patient with cancer or heart disease. Or bronchitis, flu, chicken pox or measles. But, when someone comes in with a vague sense of unease, or a touch of the nerves, or even just more money than sense, you'll be there for them. Bottle of basically just water in one hand, and a huge invoice in the other.
Simon
I suppose you're right.
Consultant
Now, another drink?
Simon
I need one.
Consultant

(to barmaid)

Excuse me! Two more homeopathic lagers please.

The barmaid holds two full pints of water under a beer tap, adding a couple of drops to each. She hands the glasses to the two doctors. Each takes a sip.

Simon
Woah, that's strong stuff.

Scene ends